As you sit on a northbound train
Watching the trees in a blur of green
You think about all the beautiful girls
You’ve encountered in your life.
You wonder what happened to that girl at the bar
In scuffed wingtips and red lipstick. You
Ponder the fate of the girl with the wild hair
In the abandoned parking lot from that cold morning in February.
The girl from you dreams, who haunts you every night, sipping decaf
Because it’s late and she likes being a morning person. All
These marvelous creatures slip in and out of your mind.
But there are so many that it is hard to keep up. All the
Encounters vary in significance and length and you don’t know
Why certain ones come to mind, but they do. You suddenly
Feel as if something is missing. “Why is this what crosses my mind,”
You say to yourself. Puzzled and flustered, you close your eyes
And there sits the girl with the bangs, sipping the decaf because it’s
Late and she likes being a morning person.
Not to sound any more redundant than whoever sings that song that goes, “lately I’ve been tired and uninspired,” but this is actually how I’ve felt for the past few weeks.
This past month, I graduated from high school. I was elated and so anxious to take on this whole new world that was opening up to me right before my eyes. I had spent years mentally preparing myself for new experiences that were to come.
But that’s the problem. I spent most of my days wishing time away, awaiting the day where I would have complete independence and be able to associate with other people of my own intellectual maturity. Not that I regret for one second how I decided to spend my high school years. I’ve absolutely adored the friends I’ve made and the adventures I have embarked on. However, I have this complex, you see. A superiority complex. I am not proud of it by any means, but this condition leaves me in a constant state of wanting. I am never satisfied with my surroundings.
Now, before you go off on a rampage about how I should be grateful for my circumstances, I’ll go ahead and defend myself. I am absolutely, exceedingly, one hundred percent thankful for everything God has given me. I will never be able to place a dent in the reciprocation of the love He has shown me, even if I spend the rest of my life trying to prove such. My issue is the fact that I have been waiting for something, someone to open my eyes.
Something that will strike me and make me say, “Oh. I get it now.”
And as quiet as I am about my spirituality, Christ has been guiding that path to my eye-opener. I can feel it. It may not be anytime soon, but when it comes, I shall greet it with open eyes.
Sick for something I can’t quite grasp. Grieving things ever so quickly. I guess it was nice while it lasted.
My ambition is measured
By bursts of desires to renew
How I think
An impromptu catharsis
And feelings overcome my senses
Like a storm
I see things for the first time
A new prescription of vision and